AGAIN...!!!

I never thought that losing someone who

we love will be hurt this much

it's really hurt...
mom...why i have to loosing you..
why it happened to me..
why it should happen when I still need affection and love from a mother 

just by seen her lying weak, enaugh to ruin my mind..and it scared me so much..
and now I've lost my motherit's really hurt, there's no words can describe how i'm feeling..
there's only left a regret...i'm sick of it !!
i don't know how to reveal this sadness..

people with easy said that  " you have to get up and move on...!!", whereas they do not feel like what i'm feeling yet..

smartass!!!i know that they're love me, all you want is i'm not drag on my problem so deep, move on and spirit to face the life...
but it's not as easy as they ever imagine..

Out there, there's lot of people who hunger strike because their cat is dead..
stress bacause their money runs out..
being crazy because their company went bankrupt..
suicide because of broken love..

but what i'm feeling it's not about
pet death, the missing money/company/girl-boy..

it's abouta woman with gladly bring you anywhere in her womb for 9 months
with sincerely, take care of you, protect you, educate you, and sacrifice her life 

for giving you warmth,
giving you a hug when you're crying
after you woke at the midnite..
after you fall when you're ride your first bike..
after you fight with your little brother..
after you had a punishment from your teacher..

after you had bullyed with by your school mate..
crying because of you anger wich caused by your unfinished school task/homework..
or you're crying because of stress because your unbalance tenage hormone or your another fear..
she's always be there to hug you and calm down your anger...

she's always be there...
to feed you your breakfast when you're late and hurried to go to school..
to prepare your lunch box & warn you repeatedly to not buy a snack in you school..
to calling you from her office to make sure that you had your lunch..
to bring your favorite magazine after she coming home from her office..
to prepare your family dinner..
to stroking the chest when you had a problem with your homework/friends/other 

problem which you vent your anger on her..

she's the one who most understand all about you..
she understands all of that without having to learn math, calculus, law, biology, and psychology
she understands the calculations of your pocket money, known your psichology needs, understands your changes in behavior,she even knows what you feel without having to ask you first 

but you still sue her to...
-be with you to watching your favorite TV's show after she came home while she was actually stress in her office
- she must always be in each of your staging/contest while she actually need time to rest
-after no more friends that could you ask,  you forced her to go to the Mall in the weekend which you think is boring to be home when she  felt very tired after she spent her weekend cleaning the house without the help of her children 

when you had fight with her in the phone, you even said that she was never be there for you, where actually she was holding up her office phone, steal the chance  just for called you and to ask you "are you O.K" in the midst of her busy work which solely to manifest everything you want..

she's occasionally asked you for
-accompanie her to shop in the weekend while you already had an appoitment with your "mean girls" friends..
- clean your own room
- controll your emotion
- always smile especially when you with her (*your unstabile emotion maku u always angry)

she is an angel who was sent by GOd for protect you who had finished her duties 

and now she was taken back by God...
she is your mom..
who her advice and her advice always you deem as a bird chirp or singing rappers for 19 years of your life..

after her gone, you're just realize that you've wasted the presence of an angel in your home, in your life, and in your heart..
an angel who her truth smile can take you into the heaven of world and afterlife

What would you do with a pile of regret after her gone..do i have to do hunger strike for a week..?
stress...???
mad..??
or suicide...???

i'm not doing an act of hunger strike, just for imagine it, I've given up
stress...?? dunno..
crazy....?? not yet, i guess
suicide...?? it's my mom's teachings to believe in God & everything tha God's hate make me to think twice

i'm not do all of that things..
then why all of you still protest and pout me..
and sue me to become my former self, like no anything ever happened to me
this is something hard for me and you...

loose you MOTHER!!!! not anyone...
this a nightmare and my biggest fear for life
why it's became real..
is it because I always imagined it ..???

hhhhh...

not only her passed away that make me feel worst but also the regrat behind everything

a myriad of regret that no longer means
this regret make myself hard to acquiesce her gone..
my bad behavior before her gone is the stupidest thing in the world
I even had time to make her cry every time I'm going home and accompany him while he was lying because of illness..
TWICE!!
God!! what I've done to her
what a stupid astried..
this contriteness always haunt me when I look at every mother of other children..
it makes me full of tears at nite

Ooh God..please help me out from this situation
you see...it's too too heavy burden that I bear

if this is happened to you..what would you do..just for imagine that is already make you scare and cry all the time..
what about me..who already feel the pain ..
this is changed my life..
worse or better...?? i don't know yet...

but i'll try to make it better..
so please...stop!!!stop to doctrine me to forget about it..because this is the thing which not have to and impossible to forget..
stop giving me advice that i have change..
coz I DID..I really was trying to change my prespective in my life..
didn't you see how hard and difficult it is..
understand me..pity me...please don't add my burden...
give me your careness and love
not much that i ask from you

give me a smile...
that is enough to eliminate my thirst..
coz your smile can change everything and it's mean a lot to me
only with a smile
that is more than enough....